My Mother, My Therapist, and S.I.

<3 cut.

I don't know what I was thinking! I told her. I ALMOST told her EVERYTHING!!!!!


*sigh* I told my therapist about my "dieting", my fasting, my binging, my depression, my insomnia. Wtf was I thinking?!! I felt so vulnerable, hell I feel really vulnerable. I don't know why I did it, I really don't. What if she tells my mother??! I will die if she tells her! 


As soon as I got home, I cut for the first time in over 3 months...


That was hard for me...especially since I couldn't find my scalpel. I made a heart with a clothes pin I found and a long, rough line with my Geometry compass...


Fml, I promised B I'd never cut again. I need to tell him, or else he'll find out... God bless him. <3 I wouldn't be here without him and K.


After my episode of S.I, I binged. Bad.


I walked to Carl's Jr and bought not one, but TWO western bacon cheeseburgers and a regular fry... I couldn't even wait to get home, I hid behind a bush and inhaled them all... As if that wasn't enough, when I got home, I had a whole box of Chex cereal with fat free milk and sugar, and 2 cups of fat free vanilla frozen yogurt with about 4 tbsps of chocolate syrup. Afterwards, I cried. A lot, I've only just stopped crying after thinking up a new plan.


My new plan is more healthy than it is ana, but I want to see if I can diet like normal people. Have you had those days where you eat like 1600 calories? I gain weight on those days. However, I believe that's because I've fucked my metabolism into a nearly incorrigible state. I mean come on! I'm 270-something lbs and I gain weight eating what normal people eat on diets. I could understand if I was extremely underweight or something, but...


Anyways, My new plan: Mon-Fri *1200 max calories.
*32 oz min of water, carbonated or otherwise.
*No red meat, no pork, no fried chicken, no ham.
*Max 1-2 carby things each day.
*No fast food/eating out, except for Subway and Mae's Thai.
*No soda(I'm 257 days sober anyways.<3)
*0.25 miles/day at 5.0 mph on the treadmill. (I did it today and almost died.)
*25 bicep curls on each arm


Sat*1200 max calories.
*32 oz min of water, carbonated or otherwise.
*Only vegetables, fruit, non-fat yogurt, rice cakes, and soup.
*No soda.
*50 bicep curls on each arm.
*100 step ups(up and down stairs, calisthenics.)


Sun*Fast.
*800 max drink calories.
*40 oz min of water, carbonated or otherwise.
*50 bicep curls on each arm.


Is that a good plan for 2 weeks? I'd really like to get my dormant metabolism started again. I don't know what I'll do if I gain to 280 lbs on this. I never want to be that weight again. Ever. I took all of my measurements in cm, my body fat%, and my weight.



Of course I took them all after the binge, but whatevs.


Neck:43cm
Under Breasts:112cm
Waist:109cm
Hips:130cm
L Wrist:21cm
R Wrist:21cm
L Ankle:29cm
R Ankle:28cm
L Thigh-86cm
R Thigh:86cm
Weight:274lbs/124.55kgs
Body Fat %:47%


~LitTlE mIsS iMpErFeCt